He's thoughtful. "Eh, can't have a spring wedding," he tells her. "Allergies. Everyone's going to be sneezing. Ruins the whole thing. What about fall? What's the cake for fall?"
Jacob shrugs. "Raised my brothers. Got em candy when they wanted. Fed them
supper when my parents were too drunk. Made sure that John got to school
and that Joseph was doing his schoolwork. I wiped noses. Dressed them. Put
bandaids on them. I was raising them before I was fifteen. Don't think I'm
cut out for it now." He breathes in. "I'm afraid I might be just like my
dad if I try now."
"Not the question," she points out, though nothing he says surprises her.
He had his own family. There's a reason she's never directly asked him to speak against them, never mind the fact that it hardly matters now. They're here, and he doesn't want to go back.
It's a kind thing to say, even though she knows she is in fact difficult. She's been told that all her life, and the wildfire virus didn't help.
She looks down at their hands and hesitates a moment.
"I did. Think about it, I mean. Dreamed about it. I had my first three kids' names picked out, boys and girls. I had plans for every season, for a man or a woman, with alternates in case they didn't like my originals. I worked towards it. I wanted it: a wedding, and a family of my own." She's told him this before. She's not sure how much of it he can understand, or how much more he might be able to now.
"Be careful with this. With me. Please. I know it's all past now, but it still hurts like nothing else does."
He's quiet then, just continuing to run his thumb along her hand. "I'm not - toying with you, Ro. It's not something I take lightly. Just - because I never thought about it, didn't have a chance to consider it, doesn't mean I don't - want it. I got a taste of it in the breach. What it means. I know what you want and I wouldn't be here if what you want and what I want are complete opposites. That make sense?"
Not intentionally anyway. Not directly, not maliciously.
"What if I told you that I still want that? That even at the end of the fucking world, I saw a community with walls and houses and knew it wasn't going to be the same, no, but that maybe - maybe - we could still have that. And I know I can't. I know that. But it's what I still want. What then?? Are we still not complete opposites?"
He breathes in again, leaning his head back so he can look up to the ceiling.
"Once upon a fucking time, yeah. Yeah, I would have said that we were. Because I didn't see any future for myself. I didn't know what the hell I wanted except to die. Now, though? I don't know. Do I think I could get married? Yeah, yeah, I fucking do think that. Do I think I can do kids? Maybe, if I had someone real good with me. So no, it's not opposite anymore."
She has never wanted to force anyone; the dream involves a willing, loving, present partner, who loves her as much as she loves them. That's the rub, that's the missing piece, that and the rest of the goddamn world.
"This isn't an ultimatum. I care about you, I care about Astarion, and I know all that's off the table with him." For so many reasons.
"And what I mean when I say be careful with me, is don't say you think you could do something - that you want something - that you don't. Just because you think it might be what I want to hear. All I want is honesty, always."
"We made that promise a long time ago, remember? Just honesty. I haven't forgotten it and I haven't broken it. I'm telling the truth as well as I know it."
She tucks their hands up close to her chest, pulling his arm tighter around her, leaning harder into him.
"Because that's another difference between me and her. She's loved by someone who has never broken their promises to her. She knows she can trust that. I'm still learning."
"Yeah, honey, I know," he murmurs before planting a kiss on her hair and pulling her against his chest. "And - fuck, I do love you, Rosita. I've been dancing around it, but I do. And I know you're not ready to - jump into it, I guess. That's alright. But you deserve to know that much."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He doesn't actually know, but he can guess. He just likes seeing that look on her face.
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"Heathen," she hisses, but it's closer to something with laughter in it this time. "It's a kind of red wine."
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"Never pay more than 10 bucks for wine."
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In truth, she's not a wine snob by any stretch of the imagination. She is in fact a hard liquor kind of girl, and always has been.
Not that it matters at the end of the world.
"I had a cake for every season, too. Lemon was for spring."
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Part of her balks at talking about this, at thinking about this - it doesn't matter anymore, does it? There are no weddings, there are no cakes.
"Apple spice."
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She hears how it could matter. How he might be thinking, why now - maybe.
Maybe.
She looks up at him, and says softly, "What is this, Jacob?"
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"Talking," he says, evasive and a little distant. He doesn't know. He doesn't want to examine it. It's too Big and too Scary.
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"Did you ever think about getting married?"
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An immediate shake of his head. "Nah. I mean, as a kid. But not seriously."
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She's not discounting them at all. That they are family still to him.
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Jacob shrugs. "Raised my brothers. Got em candy when they wanted. Fed them supper when my parents were too drunk. Made sure that John got to school and that Joseph was doing his schoolwork. I wiped noses. Dressed them. Put bandaids on them. I was raising them before I was fifteen. Don't think I'm cut out for it now." He breathes in. "I'm afraid I might be just like my dad if I try now."
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He had his own family. There's a reason she's never directly asked him to speak against them, never mind the fact that it hardly matters now. They're here, and he doesn't want to go back.
"I'm sorry things went the way they did."
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"Me, too," he admits. "But I uh...didn't really think about it once I got to juvie. Getting married, I mean."
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And then he went to the place young men always go to stop having to think about how to do life.
"I know I'm difficult. I know... I'm a fucking minefield. I get that. But I need to ask one more thing."
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"You're not difficult. Not anything I didn't sign on for."
He nods. "Ask whatever you want."
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She looks down at their hands and hesitates a moment.
"I did. Think about it, I mean. Dreamed about it. I had my first three kids' names picked out, boys and girls. I had plans for every season, for a man or a woman, with alternates in case they didn't like my originals. I worked towards it. I wanted it: a wedding, and a family of my own." She's told him this before. She's not sure how much of it he can understand, or how much more he might be able to now.
"Be careful with this. With me. Please. I know it's all past now, but it still hurts like nothing else does."
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Not intentionally anyway. Not directly, not maliciously.
"What if I told you that I still want that? That even at the end of the fucking world, I saw a community with walls and houses and knew it wasn't going to be the same, no, but that maybe - maybe - we could still have that. And I know I can't. I know that. But it's what I still want. What then?? Are we still not complete opposites?"
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"Once upon a fucking time, yeah. Yeah, I would have said that we were. Because I didn't see any future for myself. I didn't know what the hell I wanted except to die. Now, though? I don't know. Do I think I could get married? Yeah, yeah, I fucking do think that. Do I think I can do kids? Maybe, if I had someone real good with me. So no, it's not opposite anymore."
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She has never wanted to force anyone; the dream involves a willing, loving, present partner, who loves her as much as she loves them. That's the rub, that's the missing piece, that and the rest of the goddamn world.
"This isn't an ultimatum. I care about you, I care about Astarion, and I know all that's off the table with him." For so many reasons.
"And what I mean when I say be careful with me, is don't say you think you could do something - that you want something - that you don't. Just because you think it might be what I want to hear. All I want is honesty, always."
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"We made that promise a long time ago, remember? Just honesty. I haven't forgotten it and I haven't broken it. I'm telling the truth as well as I know it."
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She tucks their hands up close to her chest, pulling his arm tighter around her, leaning harder into him.
"Because that's another difference between me and her. She's loved by someone who has never broken their promises to her. She knows she can trust that. I'm still learning."
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