Jacob shrugs. "Raised my brothers. Got em candy when they wanted. Fed them
supper when my parents were too drunk. Made sure that John got to school
and that Joseph was doing his schoolwork. I wiped noses. Dressed them. Put
bandaids on them. I was raising them before I was fifteen. Don't think I'm
cut out for it now." He breathes in. "I'm afraid I might be just like my
dad if I try now."
"Not the question," she points out, though nothing he says surprises her.
He had his own family. There's a reason she's never directly asked him to speak against them, never mind the fact that it hardly matters now. They're here, and he doesn't want to go back.
It's a kind thing to say, even though she knows she is in fact difficult. She's been told that all her life, and the wildfire virus didn't help.
She looks down at their hands and hesitates a moment.
"I did. Think about it, I mean. Dreamed about it. I had my first three kids' names picked out, boys and girls. I had plans for every season, for a man or a woman, with alternates in case they didn't like my originals. I worked towards it. I wanted it: a wedding, and a family of my own." She's told him this before. She's not sure how much of it he can understand, or how much more he might be able to now.
"Be careful with this. With me. Please. I know it's all past now, but it still hurts like nothing else does."
He's quiet then, just continuing to run his thumb along her hand. "I'm not - toying with you, Ro. It's not something I take lightly. Just - because I never thought about it, didn't have a chance to consider it, doesn't mean I don't - want it. I got a taste of it in the breach. What it means. I know what you want and I wouldn't be here if what you want and what I want are complete opposites. That make sense?"
Not intentionally anyway. Not directly, not maliciously.
"What if I told you that I still want that? That even at the end of the fucking world, I saw a community with walls and houses and knew it wasn't going to be the same, no, but that maybe - maybe - we could still have that. And I know I can't. I know that. But it's what I still want. What then?? Are we still not complete opposites?"
He breathes in again, leaning his head back so he can look up to the ceiling.
"Once upon a fucking time, yeah. Yeah, I would have said that we were. Because I didn't see any future for myself. I didn't know what the hell I wanted except to die. Now, though? I don't know. Do I think I could get married? Yeah, yeah, I fucking do think that. Do I think I can do kids? Maybe, if I had someone real good with me. So no, it's not opposite anymore."
She has never wanted to force anyone; the dream involves a willing, loving, present partner, who loves her as much as she loves them. That's the rub, that's the missing piece, that and the rest of the goddamn world.
"This isn't an ultimatum. I care about you, I care about Astarion, and I know all that's off the table with him." For so many reasons.
"And what I mean when I say be careful with me, is don't say you think you could do something - that you want something - that you don't. Just because you think it might be what I want to hear. All I want is honesty, always."
"We made that promise a long time ago, remember? Just honesty. I haven't forgotten it and I haven't broken it. I'm telling the truth as well as I know it."
She tucks their hands up close to her chest, pulling his arm tighter around her, leaning harder into him.
"Because that's another difference between me and her. She's loved by someone who has never broken their promises to her. She knows she can trust that. I'm still learning."
"Yeah, honey, I know," he murmurs before planting a kiss on her hair and pulling her against his chest. "And - fuck, I do love you, Rosita. I've been dancing around it, but I do. And I know you're not ready to - jump into it, I guess. That's alright. But you deserve to know that much."
She would have recoiled, before; would have told him not to dare, not to say things he doesn't mean, can't mean, has no idea what they mean to her. And maybe it's her breach self still leaning on her, still wanting nothing more than to soak up the warmth of this man in particular, whole and complete in her trust.
Or maybe she just can hear him say that - I do love you, Rosita - and accept that maybe, after all, that's true. Maybe she can hear him say that and realize what a leap of faith it is for him, too.
She curls up small and tight against his side, wraps her free arm around him, and holds on like the water is rising.
"D'you care if I just pretend for a little while that I am? Just while I can still remember how this feels," she asks, eyes closed, pushing bodies on hooks and dead hands clawing up from the dark and the smell and feel of napalm grease on her skin.
He turns and holds her close. "Yeah. That's okay," he tells her in a half whisper. He'll let her forget what she wants, to believe what she wants, as long as she doesn't leave. As long as she stays here, right here with him. Talking about his brothers, his family, everything at home - it brings him down to a place he doesn't want to go.
That he can't go.
"But only for a few minutes, then we're watching River Monsters," he murmurs playfully.
"That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to root for the fish to bite the shit out of the guys," he laughs. "If you're lucky, it'll happen."
It's an odd spot to be caught in, halfway between who she was and who she is. It makes her say, "I know I give you shit, but I like learning about it."
She can sense the ease of tension in him, and it soaks through into her as well, though she makes no effort whatsoever to uncurl, to take her weight back. To put even a little space between them.
"He said he was going to." She doesn't sigh. She doesn't brace. It's easier, just now. "How'd that go?"
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 04:20 pm (UTC)She's not discounting them at all. That they are family still to him.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 05:04 pm (UTC)Jacob shrugs. "Raised my brothers. Got em candy when they wanted. Fed them supper when my parents were too drunk. Made sure that John got to school and that Joseph was doing his schoolwork. I wiped noses. Dressed them. Put bandaids on them. I was raising them before I was fifteen. Don't think I'm cut out for it now." He breathes in. "I'm afraid I might be just like my dad if I try now."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 05:07 pm (UTC)He had his own family. There's a reason she's never directly asked him to speak against them, never mind the fact that it hardly matters now. They're here, and he doesn't want to go back.
"I'm sorry things went the way they did."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 05:10 pm (UTC)"Me, too," he admits. "But I uh...didn't really think about it once I got to juvie. Getting married, I mean."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 05:13 pm (UTC)And then he went to the place young men always go to stop having to think about how to do life.
"I know I'm difficult. I know... I'm a fucking minefield. I get that. But I need to ask one more thing."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 05:15 pm (UTC)"You're not difficult. Not anything I didn't sign on for."
He nods. "Ask whatever you want."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 05:24 pm (UTC)She looks down at their hands and hesitates a moment.
"I did. Think about it, I mean. Dreamed about it. I had my first three kids' names picked out, boys and girls. I had plans for every season, for a man or a woman, with alternates in case they didn't like my originals. I worked towards it. I wanted it: a wedding, and a family of my own." She's told him this before. She's not sure how much of it he can understand, or how much more he might be able to now.
"Be careful with this. With me. Please. I know it's all past now, but it still hurts like nothing else does."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 08:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 08:41 pm (UTC)Not intentionally anyway. Not directly, not maliciously.
"What if I told you that I still want that? That even at the end of the fucking world, I saw a community with walls and houses and knew it wasn't going to be the same, no, but that maybe - maybe - we could still have that. And I know I can't. I know that. But it's what I still want. What then?? Are we still not complete opposites?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 08:45 pm (UTC)"Once upon a fucking time, yeah. Yeah, I would have said that we were. Because I didn't see any future for myself. I didn't know what the hell I wanted except to die. Now, though? I don't know. Do I think I could get married? Yeah, yeah, I fucking do think that. Do I think I can do kids? Maybe, if I had someone real good with me. So no, it's not opposite anymore."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 08:50 pm (UTC)She has never wanted to force anyone; the dream involves a willing, loving, present partner, who loves her as much as she loves them. That's the rub, that's the missing piece, that and the rest of the goddamn world.
"This isn't an ultimatum. I care about you, I care about Astarion, and I know all that's off the table with him." For so many reasons.
"And what I mean when I say be careful with me, is don't say you think you could do something - that you want something - that you don't. Just because you think it might be what I want to hear. All I want is honesty, always."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 08:56 pm (UTC)"We made that promise a long time ago, remember? Just honesty. I haven't forgotten it and I haven't broken it. I'm telling the truth as well as I know it."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 09:05 pm (UTC)She tucks their hands up close to her chest, pulling his arm tighter around her, leaning harder into him.
"Because that's another difference between me and her. She's loved by someone who has never broken their promises to her. She knows she can trust that. I'm still learning."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-07 10:10 pm (UTC)Or maybe she just can hear him say that - I do love you, Rosita - and accept that maybe, after all, that's true. Maybe she can hear him say that and realize what a leap of faith it is for him, too.
She curls up small and tight against his side, wraps her free arm around him, and holds on like the water is rising.
"D'you care if I just pretend for a little while that I am? Just while I can still remember how this feels," she asks, eyes closed, pushing bodies on hooks and dead hands clawing up from the dark and the smell and feel of napalm grease on her skin.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 02:23 am (UTC)That he can't go.
"But only for a few minutes, then we're watching River Monsters," he murmurs playfully.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 02:25 am (UTC)"I'm going to start rooting for the damn fish if we keep that up, you know."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 02:52 am (UTC)It's an odd spot to be caught in, halfway between who she was and who she is. It makes her say, "I know I give you shit, but I like learning about it."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 03:27 am (UTC)"I like to learn though. Someday I may need to catch a fish the size of a football player."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 02:17 pm (UTC)"Oh, yeah. That's a skill everyone needs. I'll take you to the river one day."
He feels lighter now, though. Something he never thought possible. Something that felt out of reach.
Though, speaking of the river -
"Hey, did Jesus tell you he talked to me?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 05:47 pm (UTC)"He said he was going to." She doesn't sigh. She doesn't brace. It's easier, just now. "How'd that go?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-08 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-09 02:12 am (UTC)And she's absolutely certain Jesus came out of it fine.
"I know he is. What'd he want?"
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: