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[weaponwithoutpurpose]

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[weaponwithoutpurpose]

No, but waiting for it is certainly going to make me feel worse.

[pharadyne]

So you want someone to kill you in revenge so you can get it over with?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He looks up at him.]

Yeah. Exactly.

[pharadyne]

[Norton is silent for a few seconds, then lets out an enormous sigh.]

Jacob. Darling. That's not a very good way to approach the world. Particularly here where they could potentially kill you more than once, so there's not really any guaranteed "getting it over with." Better maybe to keep it from happening?

I mean, if you really don't want to do anything to avoid it, I won't force protections on you. I think it's important people live life on their own terms. I offered Abel protection against you murdering him weeks ago and he turned it down too. Although in his case it wasn't because he wanted to be murdered. Just know that if you are murdered I'll be extremely ticked off about it.

cw: suicidal ideation

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[Jacob keeps his eyes on Norton for a moment.]

Do you know why I gave the gun to Trevor?

I was going to use it on my fucking self. Or maybe you. Or Saga. Or someone else I give a shit about.

Because dying is better than waking up with nothing in my life but the shit I've been through.

No one gives a shit, Norton. It's all a slog of useless bullshit, day after day.

[His voice raises and he can see tge red on himself, but no one else can. He looks to his hands, feeling himself break apart like he had with Saga.]

I came back from the war and I got fuck all. I gave everything to people and got nothing back! And I'm the idiot who expected it.

You're not getting your goddamn deal because I'm a piece of shit who won't graduate because it doesn't matter. Nothing will change.

[pharadyne]

I don't believe that. I don't believe you're a piece of shit.

You didn't use the gun on yourself. Or me. Or Saga. Or anyone else. You made the choice to get rid of it instead. And I admire that. I know it's not an easy choice to make when you're angry at the world.

[He crouches down so he's not hovering over Jacob.]

You were dealt a bad hand. Over and over. But there are people who care about you. We're in your corner.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

You're my warden and you and my brother - [He wavers because he's never really certain how that is.] are friends. Close.

I could disappear from this goddamn place and you'd all go on, Norton. It happens all the fucking time.

[pharadyne]

I always go on. Always. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. I think you understand that.

But I'm not giving up on you. For me, for John, for Laura, for others who care about you.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Yeah, guess we'll see.

[He doesn't believe that, but he does appreciate the effort.]

I'm not doing shit, though.

I quit the fucking gym, by the way. I'll find something else.

[pharadyne]

You're going to make me carry you out of no man's land all by myself?

[His ankles are starting to get sore from crouching in front of Jacob's chair, so he shifts and sits cross-legged on the floor.]

You quit on account of your feud with Abel, didn't you.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He will need to be dragged out, but he understands the sentiment all the same.]

I'm tired of looking at his fucking face.

[He sits forward again, closer to Norton.]

[pharadyne]

I rather suspected something would give eventually. That place wasn't big enough for the both of you. [He rests his hands on Jacob's knees.]

I won't insist you work anywhere you don't want to. But I don't want you holed up alone with your thoughts all the time, either. How would you feel about evening dance lessons?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

No.

[He watches him carefully.]

I'll just do custodial with the rest of them.

[pharadyne]

I won't force you to foxtrot with me either. I just thought it would be good way to check in while doing something and not having to talk about things unless you wanted to.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Let's just - go back to watching movies and getting drunk or something.

[He frowns.]

Are you fucking him?

[pharadyne]

You're going to have to be a little more specific with that pronoun, sweetheart.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[That gets a groan.]

Abel.

[pharadyne]

Oh, that him. I fucked him once, back during that last port, so...probably while you were brainwashing Hilbert. [Which in retrospect, he should have been paying closer attention to his inmate instead.]

Hasn't been an ongoing thing, however. Nothing aside from that one time. So to get grammatical about it, am I fucking him? No. Did I fuck him? Yes.

Why do you ask?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He shrugs, letting his hands dangle between his knees.]

Just confirming a suspicion.

Would you do it again?

[pharadyne]

What's this all about? You've never asked for details about my sex life before. Do you not want me to fuck him?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

I generally don't care.

[Which is mostly true. He's never taken an interest at all or really minded. However, this has been on his mind for far too long. It bothers him.]

But I fucking hate him. And I don't want to know that he's fucking my warden. Or - getting fucked. Whatever it is that you do.

And now I fucking know.

[pharadyne]

If you didn't want to know you shouldn't have asked.

[Norton stands, using Jacob's knees as leverage to push himself up off the floor, and restlessly ambles around the room.]

Look, I'm not going to make sure all my would-be suitors meet your approval before they can fuck me, as if you were my father and I were the heroine of some romance. But if you have concerns, we can discuss them. Is it...possessiveness? Worry that I'll take his side over yours in your conflict?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

No, it ain't that. I know that shit isn't - always personal with you.

[But he can't out it into words, though he does his best.]

I don't want anything to do with him. He's my goddamn boss, or was. And you're my warden. He's always got that fucking control somehow and I don't want it.

[pharadyne]

[Norton isn't certain he entirely understands what Jacob means, unless it's the notion that, because Norton is his warden and has power over him, some of that power is transferred to Abel by their association. That Jacob is trying to maneuver himself out from under Abel's authority by leaving the gym, but if Norton fucks Abel, it alters the power dynamics between the three of them.]

I'm not the wicket in anyone's power games, to be hit or blocked to score runs.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He shakes his head. Norton's got the right of it, but Jacob hates talking about this just as much as he hates thinking about it.]

Then do whatever you fucking want, Norton.