"Both. He and John were the only things I thought about for my entire life, even when we weren't together. They - steered the direction of my life. When I had to be by myself, I wasn't great. I told you I was - in a shelter for a while. A place where they throw vets who can't hack it in the real world. Who are just burdens to society. That's all I fucking was - a burden. I would have put an end to it if I could get out of bed long enough."
He puts his hands over Astarion's.
"I'd rather survive than die. But I'd rather die than just exist. I know Joseph offers survival. I don't know what anything else means."
"No. I don't know what's out there and I don't fucking like surprises. But I know that I- can't be alone. Even if I graduate this place. I need - " A Pack. He needs a Pack. "People."
"I want to go back, but I know I shouldn't. It'll just be the same shit. Faith confirmed it when she came here during that flood. And that was survival for me. But I don't think it really is anymore." Not since he's had freedom here.
"Guess that means I can finally get a giant fucking battleaxe."
He shrugs. "Astarion, I'm not asking you to do a goddamn thing. And if it turns out we get there and you want to fuck off somewhere, fine. Just - like I said, a single person I know who fucking gets it is good enough."
He waits. And while he waits, he tries not to fret about what the answer might be. He's always been the one to push a little more, just a bit, and it's nerve-wracking every single time. This is the time that he fucks up. This is the time that he loses every goddamn thing.
He knows he is just looking for some sort of validation, but he's never needed that before! It's weak, he tells himself, and he just gets to the point when he's about to take it all back when Astarion finally responds.
"Damn right I will," he says in a long breath out.
"Oh, you should certainly have both," Astarion murmurs. "Some creatures are
better crushed and others cleaved in twain. I'll get you a Bag of Holding
so you can carry both."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:19 pm (UTC)He puts his hands over Astarion's.
"I'd rather survive than die. But I'd rather die than just exist. I know Joseph offers survival. I don't know what anything else means."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:20 pm (UTC)"It sounds like you're not entirely sure what you want from your life, either."
He sounds quiet, thoughtful.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:46 pm (UTC)"...I didn't think I did," Astarion says. "But now, I...don't get me wrong, I still fundamentally dislike most people, but...I don't know."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:49 pm (UTC)"I'll go where you go," he decides after a moment. "Least there will be some fucking friendly face."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:55 pm (UTC)"I-"
Don't say that, he wants to snap. Don't fucking say that. Don't tell me I'm worth your life-
"What about your brother?"
no subject
Date: 2024-10-02 07:57 pm (UTC)"I want to go back, but I know I shouldn't. It'll just be the same shit. Faith confirmed it when she came here during that flood. And that was survival for me. But I don't think it really is anymore." Not since he's had freedom here.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 07:01 am (UTC)"And what if I do want to go back to Faerûn, or somewhere like it? With magic, elves, the cursed undead?"
He loads the words with melodrama, but the concern is authentic.
"...And hot showers, obviously."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 10:46 am (UTC)He shrugs. "Astarion, I'm not asking you to do a goddamn thing. And if it turns out we get there and you want to fuck off somewhere, fine. Just - like I said, a single person I know who fucking gets it is good enough."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 11:56 am (UTC)Astarion just sits with that for a few moments. Keeps his jaw tight before he speaks too soon.
"...You'd look very good with a giant fucking battleaxe," he says, eventually, smiling faintly.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 01:25 pm (UTC)He knows he is just looking for some sort of validation, but he's never needed that before! It's weak, he tells himself, and he just gets to the point when he's about to take it all back when Astarion finally responds.
"Damn right I will," he says in a long breath out.
"Unless I go for a warhammer."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 02:43 pm (UTC)"Oh, you should certainly have both," Astarion murmurs. "Some creatures are better crushed and others cleaved in twain. I'll get you a Bag of Holding so you can carry both."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 03:11 pm (UTC)He laughs to himself, clearing the bed and turning to flip off the lamp.
"You ready to call it a night?"
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 06:45 pm (UTC)"I am. Feel free to go and...see to any mortal ablutions," he says, gesturing vaguely towards the bathroom. "I'll keep the bed cold."
no subject
Date: 2024-10-03 06:55 pm (UTC)"Fortunately for you, Mae will jump up there in a bit. And she's a space heater."