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[weaponwithoutpurpose]

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[pharadyne]

[Norton smiles at Jacob's audible groan, and is still smiling when he comes in and greets Mae with a scratch behind her ears.]

I'm sure you're just thrilled to see me. [He says to Jacob.]

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[Jacob's dried out, at least, and is no longer swimming in a sea of liquor and self-pity.]

Ah yes. You are exactly the person I want to see. What did I do this time, hm?

[pharadyne]

Nothing. At least not that I know of. Can't Norton just come say hello? [He flutters his eyelashes slightly.]

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

No. Not since you were pissed at me for brainwashing Hilbert.

[He sits up, dangling his hands between his knees.]

Have a seat, I suppose.

I gave the gun back to Trevor, by the way.

[pharadyne]

Pish. That's all in the past. [He flicks his hand loosely. Not that he's forgotten about it, not in the slightest. It still hovers over everything.]

I know you gave the gun back to Trevor. I'm considering giving you another one. With the same conditions still holding. One shot and one shot only. Weighing out the relative risks of you murdering someone with it versus someone murdering you without a means to defend yourself.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He narrows his eyes a little, thoughtful.]

You think I give a shit about that? I'm not going to give them much fight, Norton.

[pharadyne]

Am I going to have to ask the Admiral to make a protective bubble around you?

I really don't want you killed.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Why not?

[He laughs bitterly.]

It would teach me a lesson, wouldn't it? It's the way of shit.

[pharadyne]

Not a particularly useful lesson for you. "Don't misbehave or we'll hurt you." I don't know about you, but that always makes me want to misbehave more just to show them I'm not cowed and they can't control me.

[He paces restlessly a few steps then walks up to Jacob and rests his hand lightly on his cheek. He's not entirely sure if it's because he thinks Jacob needs more gentleness in his life or if this is him, misbehaving. Showing he's not cowed. Maybe both at the same time.]

But I'm not a violent person, on the whole. Vindictive, yes, violent, no. And I don't want you hurt.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[It's the only lesson Jacob knows. Misbehave and you get a beating. Think about misbehaving and you'll get double. Someone else misbehaves, everyone gets a beating. Norton had surprised him with his punishment, something Jacob wasn't afraid of, but he doesn't expect that from anyone else.

He flinches at the gentle touch, proving Norton right.]

That's not how the world works, Norton.

[pharadyne]

Don't lecture me on how the world works, petal. I know people are cruel. Doesn't make them teachers, it makes them arseholes.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He shoots him an annoyed glance.]

But it is how shit works. Assholes or not.

[pharadyne]

Are you claiming the beatings you got made you into a well-behaved and rule-abiding fellow? No? Then the supposed "lessons" in response to misbehaviour were worth sod all. They weren't lessons, they were retribution. Or blind fury. Or sloppy savagery.

I'm not saying people won't hurt you, of course they will. People are awful. But it's not a lesson when they do it, it's just shit.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Fine.

The aren't lessons.

[In a way. He still won't let go of thinking about it as a way for him to gain control.]

But they're still inevitable.

[pharadyne]

The attempt, probably. Doesn't have to be successful, although you seem to want it to be.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

I'm tired, Norton.

I'm fucking tired of it.

[He leans forward, digging fingers in his hair.]

[pharadyne]

Death toll isn't going to make you feel any better, sweetheart. [He says softly.]

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

No, but waiting for it is certainly going to make me feel worse.

[pharadyne]

So you want someone to kill you in revenge so you can get it over with?

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[He looks up at him.]

Yeah. Exactly.

[pharadyne]

[Norton is silent for a few seconds, then lets out an enormous sigh.]

Jacob. Darling. That's not a very good way to approach the world. Particularly here where they could potentially kill you more than once, so there's not really any guaranteed "getting it over with." Better maybe to keep it from happening?

I mean, if you really don't want to do anything to avoid it, I won't force protections on you. I think it's important people live life on their own terms. I offered Abel protection against you murdering him weeks ago and he turned it down too. Although in his case it wasn't because he wanted to be murdered. Just know that if you are murdered I'll be extremely ticked off about it.

cw: suicidal ideation

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

[Jacob keeps his eyes on Norton for a moment.]

Do you know why I gave the gun to Trevor?

I was going to use it on my fucking self. Or maybe you. Or Saga. Or someone else I give a shit about.

Because dying is better than waking up with nothing in my life but the shit I've been through.

No one gives a shit, Norton. It's all a slog of useless bullshit, day after day.

[His voice raises and he can see tge red on himself, but no one else can. He looks to his hands, feeling himself break apart like he had with Saga.]

I came back from the war and I got fuck all. I gave everything to people and got nothing back! And I'm the idiot who expected it.

You're not getting your goddamn deal because I'm a piece of shit who won't graduate because it doesn't matter. Nothing will change.

[pharadyne]

I don't believe that. I don't believe you're a piece of shit.

You didn't use the gun on yourself. Or me. Or Saga. Or anyone else. You made the choice to get rid of it instead. And I admire that. I know it's not an easy choice to make when you're angry at the world.

[He crouches down so he's not hovering over Jacob.]

You were dealt a bad hand. Over and over. But there are people who care about you. We're in your corner.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

You're my warden and you and my brother - [He wavers because he's never really certain how that is.] are friends. Close.

I could disappear from this goddamn place and you'd all go on, Norton. It happens all the fucking time.

[pharadyne]

I always go on. Always. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. I think you understand that.

But I'm not giving up on you. For me, for John, for Laura, for others who care about you.