[That's what Sweeney had asked him, and he still isn't sure what he can ask for.]
Well for one, it would be nice to just have a conversation about it with- [He's so glad this is audio, he did this on purpose, just like the conversation he'd had with Fitz on the same topic. But he'd already said Jacob knew them, so he shouldn't hesitate to give him context.] Norton about any of it...Half the time we talk I don't say half of what I should because I don't know if he'd react well. And maybe that's changed, it's been months but...god, you said before you have no idea what that means for him and I have no clue either.
And then there's Alexei, and I... I'm worried that he's going to take it wrong if I tell him I want more than just him. I can't figure out what to say that will minimize that, because It isn't like I don't know there's a whole lot of rhetoric back home that says he shouldn't be good enough, and I don't believe that, but... he might think I do. I don't know. It's just...muddy.
[Jacob is quiet for a long moment. He doesn't know Alexei well enough to really speak for him or anticipate him, but he is close enough to know that this is a goddamn mess.]
Then you're lying to him. To Norton, I mean. Not saying what you want because you're afraid of how he would react?
That's coward shit, Abel, and you know it. You're lying to him every time you do shit like that. So start there. What do you want to talk to him about? What do you want to say?
[This is the very tippy top of the iceberg that is Abel's emotional hell. There is more and the deeper it gets the worse it gets, he has no idea how he got here.]
It isn't like I haven't tried before...and I know it isn't right, but when I say something sentimental he deflects in any sort of way he knows how.
[He feels frustrated already, because there are so many layers to this that he feels makes it not as easy as just talking, but doing a deep dive into what he knows of Norton's history and his own isn't exactly what he wanted out of this.]
Like I said, I want to ask what it is he wants, I'd like to know how he feels. I think it's the gap in time, perhaps a cultural disconnect, but even when we've talked about something serious, I don't think he's ever been entirely honest about how he's feeling.
The main reason I'm sure is he's not emotionally vulnerable because it's easier, and I understand that...
He's lived through a lot, has far more experience than I do and I've walked myself through so many different reasons it could be, but until I actually hear it from him, I'm never going to know for certain.
You must have had conversations with him before, ones that weren't easy...is there some kind of approach that seems to work best?
Different dynamic, Abel. He's my warden. He's supposed to be an annoying shit about my issues.
And I'm not afraid of him running away from me. So I just say it.
Hasn't bit me in the ass yet. Well - no. Once, but he came back. Listen, the bottom line is that you gotta just come out and say it. You can't sit and agonize or overthink it because then you'll never do it. And if you keep sitting on this, then you'll never know if this is something you really want.
I've given myself a deadline... this has been there a while, but Im better with engines than I am with people and if it goes wrong, maybe he would come back. It isn't like be hasn't been upset with me before but...he's also a very good friend, and it makes it more difficult. I don't know...these are just excuses. [He has so many of them, he knows. They've been keeping him from moving forward on this.]
Before I even tackle that mess I still have to talk with Alexei first anyways. [It's important that he does, and maybe he is in a better place for it than he had been. Maybe.]
When you can't learn it from a manual the process is slower and I've never been good at this.
[But he's trying. The fact he's even having this conversation is testament to how much he wants to succeed when he reaches for the option that isn't exactly conventional.]
Well first, I'd like to know what he actually wants...when I first arrived we'd- well. I can't say I had broken up with him, nothing we were doing had a label on it...but because of that, it complicated things.
We're working on it, we've made progress, but the first thing I need to know from him is if he is willing to have something open, with more than just sex on the table with other partners. I don't- I don't know how to say I get different needs met with different people without it sounding to him like he isn't enough.
But that ain't the way it should be. You want that, stop sleeping with
Norton and just be his friend. You're complicating this way too much and
you're gonna hurt Alexei and lose 'em both.
Cuz...I don't think you're gonna get what you want from Norton.
Yes, well when I tried that instead months ago before Alexei even got here and It just made it worse.
[Because not sleeping with Norton for a good month and a half just made him appreciate everything else about him that made him enjoy his company so much.
He sighs himself, the sound entirely frustrated.]
How do I uncomplicate it, then? It's a fucking mess...
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 01:25 am (UTC)Well for one, it would be nice to just have a conversation about it with- [He's so glad this is audio, he did this on purpose, just like the conversation he'd had with Fitz on the same topic. But he'd already said Jacob knew them, so he shouldn't hesitate to give him context.] Norton about any of it...Half the time we talk I don't say half of what I should because I don't know if he'd react well. And maybe that's changed, it's been months but...god, you said before you have no idea what that means for him and I have no clue either.
And then there's Alexei, and I... I'm worried that he's going to take it wrong if I tell him I want more than just him. I can't figure out what to say that will minimize that, because It isn't like I don't know there's a whole lot of rhetoric back home that says he shouldn't be good enough, and I don't believe that, but... he might think I do. I don't know. It's just...muddy.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 02:32 am (UTC)Then you're lying to him. To Norton, I mean. Not saying what you want because you're afraid of how he would react?
That's coward shit, Abel, and you know it. You're lying to him every time you do shit like that. So start there. What do you want to talk to him about? What do you want to say?
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 03:10 am (UTC)It isn't like I haven't tried before...and I know it isn't right, but when I say something sentimental he deflects in any sort of way he knows how.
[He feels frustrated already, because there are so many layers to this that he feels makes it not as easy as just talking, but doing a deep dive into what he knows of Norton's history and his own isn't exactly what he wanted out of this.]
Like I said, I want to ask what it is he wants, I'd like to know how he feels. I think it's the gap in time, perhaps a cultural disconnect, but even when we've talked about something serious, I don't think he's ever been entirely honest about how he's feeling.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 03:13 am (UTC)Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 03:27 am (UTC)The main reason I'm sure is he's not emotionally vulnerable because it's easier, and I understand that...
He's lived through a lot, has far more experience than I do and I've walked myself through so many different reasons it could be, but until I actually hear it from him, I'm never going to know for certain.
You must have had conversations with him before, ones that weren't easy...is there some kind of approach that seems to work best?
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 03:51 am (UTC)And I'm not afraid of him running away from me. So I just say it.
Hasn't bit me in the ass yet. Well - no. Once, but he came back. Listen, the bottom line is that you gotta just come out and say it. You can't sit and agonize or overthink it because then you'll never do it. And if you keep sitting on this, then you'll never know if this is something you really want.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 04:01 am (UTC)Before I even tackle that mess I still have to talk with Alexei first anyways. [It's important that he does, and maybe he is in a better place for it than he had been. Maybe.]
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 03:55 pm (UTC)Yeah, and I'm better with dogs than people. That's not an excuse. You gotta learn.
And what are you planning on telling Alexei...?
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 04:22 pm (UTC)[But he's trying. The fact he's even having this conversation is testament to how much he wants to succeed when he reaches for the option that isn't exactly conventional.]
Well first, I'd like to know what he actually wants...when I first arrived we'd- well. I can't say I had broken up with him, nothing we were doing had a label on it...but because of that, it complicated things.
We're working on it, we've made progress, but the first thing I need to know from him is if he is willing to have something open, with more than just sex on the table with other partners. I don't- I don't know how to say I get different needs met with different people without it sounding to him like he isn't enough.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 05:26 pm (UTC)[Jacob sighs a little.]
But that ain't the way it should be. You want that, stop sleeping with Norton and just be his friend. You're complicating this way too much and you're gonna hurt Alexei and lose 'em both.
Cuz...I don't think you're gonna get what you want from Norton.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 05:43 pm (UTC)[Because not sleeping with Norton for a good month and a half just made him appreciate everything else about him that made him enjoy his company so much.
He sighs himself, the sound entirely frustrated.]
How do I uncomplicate it, then? It's a fucking mess...
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 05:46 pm (UTC)[He wishes he didn't understand that. Astarion and Jacob had tried the same thing with the same results.]
Put on your big girl panties and talk to them. You got yourself into this mess, so you're going to have to get yourself out.
Talk to them or I'm going to bug the hell out of you until you do.
And don't tell Alexei that Norton has something he doesn't or offers you something he can't. That's fucking cruel.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 05:55 pm (UTC)And he knows he has to, but...now he's got more than just Fitz breathing down his neck to pull the trigger and maybe that will help.]
No reward without the risk... [Except the risk is the feelings of two people he cares about very much and his own.
Another heavy sigh.] Thank you for your help Jacob.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 05:57 pm (UTC)[Jacob knows, but he shoves it back at him for a reason. To show him exactly how it comes across.]
Sure thing, kid.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 06:02 pm (UTC)And the next part is softer, hesitant.]
You know my name, use it.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 06:03 pm (UTC)Ethan.
Act like a goddamn grown up.
Re: Audio
Date: 2025-01-06 06:11 pm (UTC)Working on it. [It's all that much harder when the two men you're dealing with have enough emotional vulnerability to maybe fill a teaspoon.]
Talk to you later.