"Maybe that's better. Much harder to navigate, mind you," he scoffs,
"but...better."
Maybe if he can allow himself to be strong some ways and weak in others, to
be user and used at once, and not live in a constant state of hating
himself for not being an apex predator in all things, perhaps existing
might feel...more bearable?
"Better," he says. "A little - easier to imagine, at least. One of the first conversations Norton had with me was what strength was. And if he was strong. I told him no, but - that wasn't the truth."
He breathes out. "In that nightmare world, I saved him. I didn't do it because I thought he was weak, I did it because I thought - that he was necessary. And needed. And strong in ways that I'm not." It's when he first started thinking about these things in a less simplistic way.
"...perhaps that's why I was never going to see eye to eye with John,"
Astarion says, thoughtfully. "He was...is...one of the most powerful
entities on the ship. Impossibly ancient. Capable of things I can't even
imagine. I was never going to feel anything but weak, with him.
Worthless."
"God yes," he mutters, then settles down again beside him. "Good night. Afternoon. Whatever it is," he grumbles. Because he's tired and that's all that matters.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 06:34 pm (UTC)"Maybe that's better. Much harder to navigate, mind you," he scoffs, "but...better."
Maybe if he can allow himself to be strong some ways and weak in others, to be user and used at once, and not live in a constant state of hating himself for not being an apex predator in all things, perhaps existing might feel...more bearable?
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:10 pm (UTC)He breathes out. "In that nightmare world, I saved him. I didn't do it because I thought he was weak, I did it because I thought - that he was necessary. And needed. And strong in ways that I'm not." It's when he first started thinking about these things in a less simplistic way.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:16 pm (UTC)"...perhaps that's why I was never going to see eye to eye with John," Astarion says, thoughtfully. "He was...is...one of the most powerful entities on the ship. Impossibly ancient. Capable of things I can't even imagine. I was never going to feel anything but weak, with him. Worthless."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:24 pm (UTC)"I'm...beginning to explore alternatives," he says delicately.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:26 pm (UTC)"Like what?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:31 pm (UTC)"Like...I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter how I feel? Maybe I just don't need to think about myself that much."
Perhaps it's just enough to please other people? People he likes. Loves. He can be content with that, surely?
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:38 pm (UTC)"Mm. Well. Another alternative to consider," he concedes. "Shall we sleep on it?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 10:01 pm (UTC)