Astarion lightly drums his fingertips on the mattress to bring her over to
his other side, sandwiching himself between the two warm-blooded mammals.
"I...never really thought about it that way," he remarks. Not really
surprising, given that his own sense of 'usefulness' has always arisen from
being made use of.
And Jacob's has been ensuring that he has some value to other people and to himself. He moves closer to Astarion, though he uses the proximity to pet Aylin over him.
"Useful is a goddamn tricky word," he admits. "Don't know if it is useful, but I feel useful, so - maybe it doesn't matter."
"You are," Astarion says. "I mean - don't get me wrong, I'd adore you even
if you were utterly bereft of ideas, but - it does feel good, having
someone close by who's thinking of the future. I just...I always thought of
planning types as people who make use of others. Not in a bad way,
necessarily, just..."
He's struggling to put his thoughts into words, now.
"I've always seen people as the users or the used. But it...might be more
complicated than that, mm?"
"Maybe that's better. Much harder to navigate, mind you," he scoffs,
"but...better."
Maybe if he can allow himself to be strong some ways and weak in others, to
be user and used at once, and not live in a constant state of hating
himself for not being an apex predator in all things, perhaps existing
might feel...more bearable?
"Better," he says. "A little - easier to imagine, at least. One of the first conversations Norton had with me was what strength was. And if he was strong. I told him no, but - that wasn't the truth."
He breathes out. "In that nightmare world, I saved him. I didn't do it because I thought he was weak, I did it because I thought - that he was necessary. And needed. And strong in ways that I'm not." It's when he first started thinking about these things in a less simplistic way.
"...perhaps that's why I was never going to see eye to eye with John,"
Astarion says, thoughtfully. "He was...is...one of the most powerful
entities on the ship. Impossibly ancient. Capable of things I can't even
imagine. I was never going to feel anything but weak, with him.
Worthless."
"God yes," he mutters, then settles down again beside him. "Good night. Afternoon. Whatever it is," he grumbles. Because he's tired and that's all that matters.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-02-26 07:14 pm (UTC)Astarion nods an agreement.
"Very glad you're here to make the plans," he murmurs, "it's not my strong suit."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 01:53 am (UTC)He breathes out. "Makes me feel useful, too." He automatically moves over when he feels Aylin jump on the bed.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 05:07 pm (UTC)Astarion lightly drums his fingertips on the mattress to bring her over to his other side, sandwiching himself between the two warm-blooded mammals.
"I...never really thought about it that way," he remarks. Not really surprising, given that his own sense of 'usefulness' has always arisen from being made use of.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 06:00 pm (UTC)"Useful is a goddamn tricky word," he admits. "Don't know if it is useful, but I feel useful, so - maybe it doesn't matter."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 06:25 pm (UTC)"You are," Astarion says. "I mean - don't get me wrong, I'd adore you even if you were utterly bereft of ideas, but - it does feel good, having someone close by who's thinking of the future. I just...I always thought of planning types as people who make use of others. Not in a bad way, necessarily, just..."
He's struggling to put his thoughts into words, now.
"I've always seen people as the users or the used. But it...might be more complicated than that, mm?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 06:29 pm (UTC)"I called it strong and weak," he admits. "But - " And he pauses there, because it really isn't any different.
"It's a lot more fucking complicated than that."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 06:34 pm (UTC)"Maybe that's better. Much harder to navigate, mind you," he scoffs, "but...better."
Maybe if he can allow himself to be strong some ways and weak in others, to be user and used at once, and not live in a constant state of hating himself for not being an apex predator in all things, perhaps existing might feel...more bearable?
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:10 pm (UTC)He breathes out. "In that nightmare world, I saved him. I didn't do it because I thought he was weak, I did it because I thought - that he was necessary. And needed. And strong in ways that I'm not." It's when he first started thinking about these things in a less simplistic way.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:16 pm (UTC)"...perhaps that's why I was never going to see eye to eye with John," Astarion says, thoughtfully. "He was...is...one of the most powerful entities on the ship. Impossibly ancient. Capable of things I can't even imagine. I was never going to feel anything but weak, with him. Worthless."
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:24 pm (UTC)"I'm...beginning to explore alternatives," he says delicately.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:26 pm (UTC)"Like what?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:31 pm (UTC)"Like...I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter how I feel? Maybe I just don't need to think about myself that much."
Perhaps it's just enough to please other people? People he likes. Loves. He can be content with that, surely?
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 07:38 pm (UTC)"Mm. Well. Another alternative to consider," he concedes. "Shall we sleep on it?"
no subject
Date: 2025-02-27 10:01 pm (UTC)