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[weaponwithoutpurpose]

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[sixfeetofdirt]

"...I don't know," Astarion says, gentler than he'd be with more or less anyone else. "Is it? There would be no veterinarians if not for children having stupid dreams into their adulthood."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, but it was an impossible one. Vets go to school. College. That costs money. Gotta have the grades for it - I didn't have that. I didn't even go to school after I was eight or nine until I went to juvie."

He smiles to himself, staring down as the water drains.

"I was poor as shit. It was dead end job, jail, or military. I was lucky enough to get two."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion kisses the back of his neck.

"You could just as easily have taken up robbing strangers or stealing silverware, darling. I would have."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"I did that, too," he says with a smile. "Not - silverware, though. Just candy and shit for John and Joseph."

He shivers at the kiss, the warm water barely touching him.

"But I was strong. And strong people fight wars. Defend their country. Defend their people. All that noble hoo-rah stuff."

[sixfeetofdirt]

"The noble hoo-rah stuff the men miles from the front line tell the men they're sending to die for someone else's cause."

He knows how war works.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, I know. It's why I ended up so fucked when I got home."

He takes a deep breath. "You ever have dreams of something bigger?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"I don't really remember where I started from," Astarion says.

"Though I can...infer some things. I had money, I had influence in certain circles, but - when I died, nobody looked for me. No family left flowers on my grave. And Cazador wouldn't have taken a new spawn from any bloodline of note. So either I was the orphan of some fading noble lineage, or...more likely, I forged and faked my way into what I had."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, but that was - centuries ago. You know more now. You've learned a ton of shit. So - " He frowns. "Guess it leads back to that impossible question. What do you want? Since you didn't have a choice in the first place."

He stands up straighter and turns around, taking his hands. "My turn," he tells him.

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion kisses him fleetingly, then turns his back, resting his hands on the tiles.

"...I just want to be free," he says, quietly, after Jacob starts washing him. "I want to be free, and safe, and I don't want anything to challenge that."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

He trails the cloth along his shoulders, down the scarring on his back, and kisses his neck. "Yeah. Free sounds good. Free sounds fucking great."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion sighs out a breath, his chin lowering.

"I'm just so...so tired of being told what to do. Who and how to be."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

He gives up the pretense and just wraps his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his neck.

"You wanna laze around and do nothing? Enjoy yourself forever, then you should be able to. Are you afraid of it?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"No."

A long silence.

"...I'm afraid of having it and then...losing it."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah."

He nods, resting his forehead against his shoulder.

"That why you fought me so much? You think I'm going somewhere?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"No. Yes. I -"

His fingers tense against the tiles.

"You were...I know how to do this when it's just sex. When it doesn't mean anything. And when it isn't, when it becomes something else, it doesn't feel like it's...sustainable. And I've made a mess of things before."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, no shit."

He stays where he is. "I want you around, Astarion. For a lot of reasons I've told you before."

Jacob breathes deep. "And you might mess it up, I might fuck it up, but is it worth not having it at all? I'm fucking scared, too. I'm scared you're going to find something better and I won't be useful anymore and I'll lose you. This. That's what I'm afraid of."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion leans back into him, closing his eyes before water runs into them.

"...I don't like you because you're useful. I'm not here because of that. You don't owe me anything."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, and you're important to me, too. Enough that I think about you a lot and not just - the sex."

Though that's obviously very nice.

"The other day I caught this huge fish and I wanted to show you cuz I knew you'd think it was the ugliest thing you've ever seen."

[sixfeetofdirt]

He laughs, almost despite himself.

"I've seen a lot of ugly things in my life, Jacob. But - I might have liked to be challenged. New depths are yet to be plumbed, I'm sure."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"I took a picture of it on my phone. I'll show you later," he laughs, pulling away so they can rinse.

"Fucker bit me for the trouble, though."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion tuts, even as he's still chuckling.

"Wretched thing. That privilege is reserved for me alone."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, well, come stake your claim or whatever or I'm gonna let the fish have it all."

He leaves the water on if Astarion wants more time, but he steps out and grabs a towel.

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Stake my claim? That's offensive language around my kind, you know."

He turns the water off after a few more moments of rinsing, grabbing another towel for himself. The bathroom feels pleasantly warm and steamy, with no shocking chill when he steps out of the shower.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Stake, stake, stake," he says, stepping closer to him as he towels off his hair. "What are you going to do about it, huh?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion hums, theatrically, pretending thoughtfulness as he takes a few wandering footsteps.

Then he flicks his towel against Jacob's ass.