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[weaponwithoutpurpose]

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[sixfeetofdirt]

"I-"

Astarion looks for a moment like he might be about to implode, his expression strange and unreadable, but he recovers.

"I...yes. Here and now, it's...enough for me, too."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

Jacob takes the soap and lathers up a cloth, though he doesn't look away from him.

"What's that about?" he wonders, just above the spray.

[sixfeetofdirt]

"I just...I'm trying not to be a huge bastard," he says, quietly, staring down at Jacob's collarbone. "You say something like that, tell me you're choosing me, and it's just...very tempting to try to push you away."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Glad you didn't say it. Best way to ruin an evening."

He brushes the cloth over Astarion's shoulders, then wraps arms around him again.

"I ain't asking for us to run off and have a future together. But trust me enough to tell you the truth when I tell you that I like you for you, and not just for what you do?"

There's a long pause. "Cuz that sure as fuck sounds like something I wouldn't believe. But here we are."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion laughs quietly, then wraps his arms around Jacob in turn. There's hot water and good company and nothing hurts. It feels...nice. What if he just had this, forever?

(Until someone tried to take it from him and he was too weak to stop them. Until someone saw in him someone they could break into a new, more useful shape, again-)

"If you can believe that I think just as much of you, then...I'll do everything I can to trust in the same."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, I try," he assures him, massaging his fingers against Astarion's back for a moment, simply enjoying the luxury.

"Alright," he laughs, "now this ain't a shower but just fucking around in the water."

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Oh, is there a difference?" Astarion smiles crookedly at him. "I'll scrub your back, if you like."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Why, so you can stare at my ass?" he grunts, but gives up the cloth to him anyway.

He's not turning that offer down.

[sixfeetofdirt]

"Well, since it's there, I might remind myself how it looks," Astarion says primly, and reaches for the shower gel to work up some more lather.

A moment later, he's rubbing slow circles across Jacob's shoulders. It feels almost meditative. "...did you always want to be a soldier?"

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

He leans against the wall with one hand, relaxing under that touch. "Not always. It was something I thought about doing as a kid, but then it kind of became my only option."

Jacob scrubs his face with his hand, sticking his hair back.

"I really wanted to be a veterinarian. Animal doctor. Stupid kid dreams, you know?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"...I don't know," Astarion says, gentler than he'd be with more or less anyone else. "Is it? There would be no veterinarians if not for children having stupid dreams into their adulthood."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, but it was an impossible one. Vets go to school. College. That costs money. Gotta have the grades for it - I didn't have that. I didn't even go to school after I was eight or nine until I went to juvie."

He smiles to himself, staring down as the water drains.

"I was poor as shit. It was dead end job, jail, or military. I was lucky enough to get two."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion kisses the back of his neck.

"You could just as easily have taken up robbing strangers or stealing silverware, darling. I would have."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"I did that, too," he says with a smile. "Not - silverware, though. Just candy and shit for John and Joseph."

He shivers at the kiss, the warm water barely touching him.

"But I was strong. And strong people fight wars. Defend their country. Defend their people. All that noble hoo-rah stuff."

[sixfeetofdirt]

"The noble hoo-rah stuff the men miles from the front line tell the men they're sending to die for someone else's cause."

He knows how war works.

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, I know. It's why I ended up so fucked when I got home."

He takes a deep breath. "You ever have dreams of something bigger?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"I don't really remember where I started from," Astarion says.

"Though I can...infer some things. I had money, I had influence in certain circles, but - when I died, nobody looked for me. No family left flowers on my grave. And Cazador wouldn't have taken a new spawn from any bloodline of note. So either I was the orphan of some fading noble lineage, or...more likely, I forged and faked my way into what I had."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah, but that was - centuries ago. You know more now. You've learned a ton of shit. So - " He frowns. "Guess it leads back to that impossible question. What do you want? Since you didn't have a choice in the first place."

He stands up straighter and turns around, taking his hands. "My turn," he tells him.

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion kisses him fleetingly, then turns his back, resting his hands on the tiles.

"...I just want to be free," he says, quietly, after Jacob starts washing him. "I want to be free, and safe, and I don't want anything to challenge that."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

He trails the cloth along his shoulders, down the scarring on his back, and kisses his neck. "Yeah. Free sounds good. Free sounds fucking great."

[sixfeetofdirt]

Astarion sighs out a breath, his chin lowering.

"I'm just so...so tired of being told what to do. Who and how to be."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

He gives up the pretense and just wraps his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his neck.

"You wanna laze around and do nothing? Enjoy yourself forever, then you should be able to. Are you afraid of it?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"No."

A long silence.

"...I'm afraid of having it and then...losing it."

[weaponwithoutpurpose]

"Yeah."

He nods, resting his forehead against his shoulder.

"That why you fought me so much? You think I'm going somewhere?"

[sixfeetofdirt]

"No. Yes. I -"

His fingers tense against the tiles.

"You were...I know how to do this when it's just sex. When it doesn't mean anything. And when it isn't, when it becomes something else, it doesn't feel like it's...sustainable. And I've made a mess of things before."